"No, I can't believe it worked either!"
So how are they doing, the new face of politics? A brief and completely unbiased view absolutely not dripping with sarcasm in any way…
Selling off England’s forests – we can all be sitting tenants in a large scale theme park – no longer owned by Big government, just Big Business. Don’t we all feel better now? Although of course it’s actually Big Society – as long as Big Society has a few million stashed under the mattress. No come on, if everybody chucked in a few quid we could buy the forests. Apart from obviously inflation and VAT rises have probably taken the beer money now. So Big Business then.
Tightening the screw on benefits – one day Tories and their lap dog LibDem colleagues will realise not everyone on benefits is a work shy skiver! that would be what the House of Commons contains. After all, why do an honest day’s work when you can put your hand in the till (at least as long as the Daily Telegraph isn’t watching). Not that all MPs are thieving crooks who still seem to be running the country, just a few of them are. Allegedly. Although they’ve all been rooted out now. Just like the News of the World phone hackers. Oh.
The NHS – not privatisation, just opening up the NHS to competition from the private sector. This is a good thing obviously, as it means that the NHS will be pushed to do better by private firms who certainly won’t cherry pick the easy and lucrative jobs and leave the NHS to foot the bill – perish the thought. Anyway, David Cameron said he values all public sector workers highly. Phew, the NHS is saved then.
The economy – only last week a Tory MP said that without the government’s stringent plans to deal with the deficit the UK would be facing a double-dip recession, something unheard of anywhere! Oops, then came the news that we’d slipped back again. but only for one quarter, so it doesn’t count. And that was because it snowed. Oh hang on, obviously the figures would still have been disappointing. But it DID snow. The government won’t be changing direction with their policies anyway, they’re still determined to squeeze the poorer half of the country ’til their pips squeak!
Tax – at lest the government’s going to close some tax loop holes, although obviously not the ones that George Osborne uses, that would be ridiculous. The ones that other people use. And make sure that tax is paid where it’s due. Apart from Vodafone obviously, who owed anywhere between £1.6 billion and £6 billion, anywhere upto half the extra VAT we’ll all be paying this year. Like i said, squeeze the bloody workers George – just dont upset the super rich!
Voting reform – aha, got ya!
So all-in-all an encouraging start; the new government has certainly been quicker out of the blocks than the last lot we were lumbered with. Less than a year and already shown to be incompetent liars, incapable of listening to what the public think or want. Still, at least we have the Lib Dems to balance things out…ah.