January 29, 2010 • 9:25 pm
cracked last night, spilt the beans about everything to my better half and slept for 6 hours due to a mix of red wine and pain killers. Today I feel like crap and am half regretting saying all that. She’s texted and phoned several times today and it’s all my fault, I know she’s v concerned and at the end of the day nothing’s changed. And I’ve insisted on coming into work today because I don’t want space to think today. Although I have agreed that if I’m not 100% by Monday I’ll make a n appointment to see the GP. I’m aching like a b*****d today too, serves me right.
Therapy carried on last night from previous weeks, I hate talking about “splitting”, about hearing voices and about distorted reality. About finding it hard to know wich things were real and which were part of the internal movie that was running. We ended up discussing time travel – I’d read something about how ghosts could be impressions left in time due to time not exisitng, as if the universe is solid state. It would explain hearing voices. I don’t know what I think really, not at the moment. Other than that I need a break from everything some time soon.
Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy, work , breakdown, psychotherapy, therapy
January 26, 2010 • 8:12 pm
Day from hell, one of those I hate people days. Was up and walking around the city at 5.30 am just to try and sort my head out, that was the best bit of the day, all down hill after that. Work is building into a sick joke – at my expense, have had enouh of the place. Felt like strangling half the people there today, i am sick of it to the point of no return. damn this life and then some.
Tomorrow can be no worse, if it is I might just sod off down the pub at lunch and not go back. If there’s no rest for the wicked, I deserve to burn.
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, work , life, mental state, no rest for the wicked
January 25, 2010 • 7:39 am
Tired today, not enough sleep last night. Dropped off twice around 11, got woken up by some noisy bugger 10 mins later, heard somebody whispering “Pray!” in a stage whisper several times from under the bed, which normally would have been freaky but seemed normal somehow (I had thought it was one of the girls playing tricks, but realised it was unlikely at around midnight), slept on and off until the early hours, finally gave in at 5. Could be worse, on and off is better than not at all.
I have a loooooooong list of work to catch up on and not the energy for any of it. Will have to get a bit more organised and prioritise things better. They’re all pretty interesting projects so shouldn’t be too hard to get motivated once I up and running.
Apologies for typos or bad grammar, either my typing’s up the swanny or this keyboard needs a damn good clean! Time for more caffeine I think
Filed under: life , bad night sleep, hearing things, tired, tiredness
January 22, 2010 • 5:10 pm
Head Over Heels (Tears for Fears) is a great track, but it’s been going round and round in my head since about 6pm yesterday, none stop. It kept on through therapy, all evening, into my dreams and was still going at 5am this morning and still now. I think maybe it’s a subconscious ploy to fill the void. Or something. At least I have good taste in music, even subconsciously 
Therapy was weird last night, it felt odd. Even without TFF playing all the way through. We’ve talked before about the split nature of my personality (NOT dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality disorder, or split personality in that sense) – more of a split in my approach. She used the phrase conjoined twins as a description, which I guess isn’t a million miles away. Anyhow, often when things are flat like they have been this last week, it’s very much like a battle between me and myself, with me just wanting to feel something, anything, where as the other bit puts up the padded walls – no feelings, no way to interact or join in even with myself, like wanting to do stuff and not being able to. She says it’s a fear thing, I just hate it. We had one of these chats last night about how to get out of that place, i think that’s where the constant soundtrack comes in really, like at least there’s something to listen to in here. Although I’ve moved on from that place now, which is good. So something good has come from talking.
Other than that there was a face in the carpet staring at me, so half way through I had to get up and rub him out with my boot, I know it was just a carpet pattern but sometimes even things like that are too much to ignore.
Today has been difficult to concentrate, but less flat and less down, still tired but bit more communicative and a bit more gregarious – it’s just changes at work that have come out of the blue that have been bothering me, a room change is on the agenda (hopefully a temp one) while decorating takes place, but I’m being shunted down with a group that I’m not part of and just don’t fit in with. It’s going to be a stressful time, and I’m really not looking forward to it. But, like I say, it’s hopefully just for a week or so and then I will be back up here, although probably with someone else in here with me. Will have to bring my headphones in as we don’t share musical tastes.
I’m going home to work on freelance stuff – I always pick up loads of work when feeling knackered and out of it – ironic. Wish I could say I was head-over-heels about it!
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy , Head Over Heels, psycotherapy, stress, Tears For Fears, therapy, work
January 21, 2010 • 5:55 pm
Amazing how deciding not to do something makes you do it more, even apparently blogging!
Ups and downs mean it’s never a good time to make decisions I suppose, I was feeling pretty flat and deflated, quite low, when I decided to stop the blog for a bit. The waters are still quite choppy, it feels like there’s a storm coming but that would be better than a flat calm at the moment. Better to feel something than nothing eh? Better to feel emotion than try to inflict emotion on yourself.
Apart from feeling overwhelmed at work to the point of tears (although of course I didn’t give in to tears, oh no that would be emotional) and a bit of a rant the other day (maybe too high volume for some of the things I might have said concerning some of the people I said those things about) I’m coping at the moment. Although watching Donnie Darko in 11 parts on YouTube because I couldn’t concentrate to work may not be seen as coping (or working!) in some circles. It was better than playing with the scalpel the previous day – and less obvious. And all these things help to counteract the feelings of helplessness and lack of control and they all help to keep some sort of connection to myself somehow.
But in case it’s all looking doom ‘n’ gloom I went to see Sherlock Holmes the other day which was a great film, really great. It was a great boost, losing myself in the gloom of an old fashioned cinema watching a fantastic film. We went for lunch and coffee in town too and had a pretty chilled day. Good films are a great escape, a great way of blocking out reality for a time.
Therapy tonight, of which I’m continuing to go to and grapple with. I’ve realised of late that I’m still holding back in these sessions – maybe not surprising, breaking lifetime habits doesn’t happen overnight (or over almost 2 years apparently) but it’s something I need to work on. It is, after all, the only place on earth I should be able to tell it how it is (or how it feels it is I suppose). But every Thursday I involuntarily clam up, forget everything and lose touch with how things have been for the week. Then every Friday I remember all the things I didn’t say. I know I should write things down, but I never remember to do that. I am a frustrating person.
So today has been odd – yesterday, determined to step away from the blog, today 2 posts and a comment or 2 too. Maybe tomorrow I’l disappear in a puff of smoke, or else write something worth reading. maybe tomorrow i will remember what i meant to discuss tonight.
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy , Donnie Darko, feeling, mood, overwork, psycotherapy, Sherlock Holmes
