Last Post for 2009

Good-bye 2009, definitely not going to miss you in the main. Have finally finished work for the year and now have about 10 days off, so am going to crash and get my head together. This year has been a struggle and I am so tired, mentally and physically, so am going to do as little as possible and hope to make some changes next year.
Hope everyone has a good Xmas/NY!

Filed under: life

Peace and quiet and radiohead in the office

It is very peaceful in the office when everyone else has gone home and I can relax, and finish little bits and pieces with radiohead playing and no email or phone calls or annoying people around. It’s warm and calm and not like being at work at all, but still enough like work to feel like I could DO something, not just sit and brood. Busy busy busy.
I was here at 6am this morning…well not actually inside, that would be weird and would also be logged on the swipe card system. I wandered down here because i was awake and thinking too much. Awake from 3am and running little movies in my head of things that haven’t happened but that i believed might happen, could already be happening. So I wandered down to work. Just to have a look and make sure there were no lights on in my office window, which I know sounds weird but I can’t stop feeling that someone is upto something behind my back. Like there’s a conspiracy. It sounds ridiculous, it looks ridiculous typed there in B&W. It is ridiculous but I still can’t stop thinking that that is how it is.
I need to find some other focus, but the whole Xmas thing feels like extra pressure and work and everything else is too much. But only a couple of weeks to go and then no work for a week or so. although in its own way I’m dreading the break – too much time for things to happen that I don’t know about. God what a joke. I’m sure I’m not important enough for anyone to be plotting anything. Ugh, stupid paranoid thoughts.
I think I’d quite like to go to sleep now but as i skipped therapy last week I better haul my ass off there now and confess my state of mind in exchange for an hour of self exploration and assessment. So long…

Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy, work , anxiety, lack of sleep, paranoia, psychotherapy, radiohead, work

Raging, furious, apoplectic ANGER

I have had 4 days off in a row to try and relax, they’ve been 4 great days but I can’t stop worrying about things – even though they are things I can do nothing about at present. Still waking at about 4am every morning, but now too tired to get up and do anything positive so just lying there with thoughts going round and round and round…if I could just sleep properly I’m sure it wouldn’t feel so bad!
Walked into work this morning so wound up I almost bit through my lip. There are certain people there who are making me so angry that sometimes I teeter on the verge of exploding. This would be ok if it was just at work but it is anywhere. Not even just about things that have happened anymore, but my mind runs away down a path of pure fiction where I imagine them doing things that are so awful that I would be justified in reacting physically, to the point I sometimes ‘wake up’ from these crazy day dreams to find myself incandescent with rage, fists balled and ready to hit somebody. As if I have switched off and am living that particularly unpleasant moment. I thought a few days off would make a difference but not so far.
I think this is probably something I need to work through on Thursdays, as it’s becoming a regular occurrence. The problem is I have other things I need to sort out and I really don’t know which should come first. really I would love to get away from the world and everyone in it and just BE for a few weeks, no stress, no demands, no talking etc. Perhaps if i win the lottery? Perhaps i should start doing the lottery.
Will be spending part of the Xmas/New Year break with parents – just a few days but enough to be a bit of a concern. There are other issues attached to that too which I can’t talk about but that are serious hang ups that I nee to resolve, if I can make sure I have the backbone for it. The fear of rejection is a powerful motivator, especially when it works negatively.
On a different matter altogether, if you want to get involved with pressuring politicians to stick to their promises and represent what you want from a government check out this link to Power 2010. It’s about time we took the initiative!

Filed under: current affairs, depression, life, mental state, therapy, work , anger, family, sleep, therapy, work

A change in the weather

It’s cold and damp and getting dark earlier and earlier at the moment, but the cold is actually quite nice. Unfortunately waking up at 3am every morning isn’t great, but you can’t win them all.
Something has clicked in the last couple of months with the way therapy is going and my willingness to be open about it with more people. There are still some people I wouldn’t discuss being in therapy with at all – certain work colleagues (you have to make judgement calls on some people) and (unfortunately) my parents – but they’re becoming the exception, rather than the rule.
I think partly this is because I have started to open up a bit more in sessions and trust my therapist more and partly because I’m starting to trust friends and colleagues more since being in therapy. Which suggests things are actually getting better, however slowly. It is still generally a struggle to trust people as the first option – sometimes I find it’s a big conscious effort – but slowly I think that this will get easier. Which is good.
I’m hoping that it will start to have an effect on my self esteem at some point. While I can sometimes believe that for example I am damn good at my job, there is still that underlying belief that I’m lucky to have the job I’ve got. While of course this is true – especially in this economic climate – I’ve stuck with it far too long and really need to move on. Things have been difficult and very stressful at work for some time but I’ve clung onto the job instead of moving on. It became so bad this year that at one point I was convinced my phone had been tapped and that everyone was talking about me behind my back. It got pretty unbearable at one point – I still can’t quite get my head round why I’m still here. Apart from the low self esteem I suppose.
But optimistically I’m thinking next year things will get better – I’m planning on making it a better year, being more positive and making some big changes. Of course i thought that last year about 2009, but it feels like this time it will happen. Fingers crossed!

Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy, work , low self esteem, paranoia, stress, therapist, therapy, weather, work

David Davis solves climate problems!

So, according to David Davis (Tory MP) the world is not heating up, there are no climate problems – the whole thing is one big con by the raving lefties. To prove it he has wheeled out an “expert” – Ian Plimer.

You may not have heard of Ian Plimer before, unless you’re an Australian – in which case you’ll probably have heard quite a bit of/from him. Mr Plimer is a scientist, businessman and – crucially – climate change sceptic. In fact, last month he was named as a member of the academic advisory council for the global sceptic group “Global Warming Policy Foundation“. His business interests include being a director of 3 Australian mining companies – “Ivanhoe”, “CBH Resources” and “Kefi Minerals”.

Have you started to see a conflict of interests here? Even more so when you take into account his comments that the proposed Australian carbon-trading scheme could probably totally destroy the Australian mining industry and create massive unemployment. Needless to say, Mr Plimer denies the existence of a conflict of interests (COI).

Which leaves us with the interesting situation of a (probable) near future senior member of the government taking the UK into an era of Canadian government-style approach to climate change – screw the world and the UK’s future. Because this is not just about climate change (although let’s face it, it doesn’t get much more serious), it’s also about dwindling resources. You can believe what you like about human-generated climate change (some people will tell you the Queen’s an alien lizard so go ahead) but oil, gas et all are due to begin declining in availability within 10 years. So, just like dwindling North Sea gas has hit the UK where it hurts – we are left relying on Russia and the Middle East for gas – dwindling global fuel supplies will cripple our state-propped, fragile, inverted pyramid economy. Along with that of any other nation backward enough to rely on a defunct oil-based economy.

The reason is that almost every area of modern living – from food production, to straightforward energy supply to modern materials for every area of life – relies heavily on oil. Without enough oil in the world we are left facing:

• Huge rises in food prices due to hikes in production cost as oil slowly disappears
• Similar rises in the cost of anything that’s shipped from abroad, manufactured from oil-based substrates or relies on a lot of power for production
• Wars between the oil rich and the oil impoverished.

Of course this is not a given, this is based on those in power turning their backs on environmental sustainability in favour of propping up existing big business and the associated rich and powerful who run them. It’s the old school ties looking after their own, but rather than just playing with power and money they’re playing with lives and our futures.

Amazing to think that this is going to be the alternative to our crap current government – more of the same but a damn sight worse. So much for democracy, anyone fancy a revolution instead?

Filed under: current affairs, life , climate change, david davis, gas, ian plimer, oil, politics, the end of the world as we know it, tory party