September the 1st

Can’t believe it’s September already, the summer has gone quickly and it’s back to the usual after a break from therapy, a bit of time off from work and the bosses being away making the time at work a bit easier. Today is day one back after a week or so off – 1000 emails, and some weren’t even spam. Lot’s of prob to sort out and already lots of urgent, must have immediately jobs waiting. The one thing I have enjoyed over the last few weeks is the relative lack of stress and pressure.

Week away was good – although a week wasn’t long enough to wind down which was a shame – still had work things lodged in my brain. But it was good to have a few days somewhere else for a change, no timetable or deadlines. Back to them in spades today, schools start tomorrow so back to morning school run too.

Spent most of today tidying my awful desk and and answering emails, reading emails, sorting out problems – at least this morning. Have looked busy this afternoon but TBH couldn’t face the mountain of work and so have played around with some of the more interesting jobs on my list – bit of logo work, some research, etc. Not productive but it’s all looking a bit daunting from the bottom of the pile – maybe feel up to it more tomorrow.

Parental visit coming up in just under 2 weeks – always stressful, not their fault really. I don’t relate to my family terribly well, probably less so after my brother’s accident. Need to make more effort really, keep in touch a bit more. Something to work on there me thinks.

And to round off I’ve decided to get back into more art – painting and drawing instead of just designer for hire. Maybe it’ll help with other things, be a bit of a release, somewhere to express myself instead of fulfilling briefs 24/7. Personal challenge type thing – if I can stick to it

Filed under: life, mental state, relationships, work , art, life, relationships, work

happy birthday to a memory

Relationships are one of the things that define us, but without us having total control. They’re built on trust, not just the kind where you believe someone is trustworthy (eg they’re not going to tell lies about you, steal from you etc) but also the kind that they’re going to be there for you whenever you need them. Unfortunately this isn’t always within their control either. And when suddenly they’re not there it can be devastating and hurt like hell for a very long time. Emma wrote a really great post about trust here that is well worth reading – it’s so honest and open and says it all really. it also helped me to work out how I was going to write this post, so thanks for that!

10 years ago this year (in August) my brother was killed in a road accident. I got the call at 11pm one night from my sister who was struggling to hold it together, and after speaking to her i spoke to my mum who was in pieces – my dad wasn’t able to speak to me because of how upset he was. Apart from the obvious shock, hearing my parents (who don’t do emotion or expression of feeling) in that state was a massive shock. Long term it pisses me off because they’re pretty much back to being emotionphobic again now – there’s probably a whole post in that. But, apart from the shock and disbelief about what had happened, slowly over a long period of time I have realised that losing my brother has left a hole that can never be filled, and also a problem trusting people. Funnily enough I think that realisation has been one of the biggest things to come from therapy so far.

We were 2 years apart in age (I was older) but as close as 2 people can be for most of our lives growing up. We fought, argued and occasionally pissed each other off as siblings do, but remained close. in a lot of ways he seemed more like the older brother – more confident in many ways, more outgoing and probably more grounded. We shared a sense of humour that I’ve never found anybody since who can – my wife and kids have had to put up with all the stupidity that was a part of that without ever understanding it – poor things. We helped each other out – financially, with advice, by talking about anything. It was the only relationship with another male where I have been able to be like that – generally blokes are crap at that kind of thing, a good reason for being more comfortable around women and gay men (obviously this is a generalisation, but it’s true in my personal experience). After he died i pretty much withdrew from the majority of my friends. It’s hard to replace somebody that important in your life, and for a while it would have felt like a betrayal to hang around with friends. Dumb but true!

In the lst 10 years I’ve moved on from there, at least quite a bit. I have friends, although don’t trust them like I should and am working on that. I still miss my brother deeply – in some ways I’d rather have the pain than forget. it’s bad enough that some of the memories of him are fuzzy and it’s harder to hear his voice and see his face, i couldn’t completely let go of the pain – it keeps him real in my life. While i’ve had various people (including my current therapist) subtly suggest this isn’t healthy, it’s how it is. I’m not letting go of him totally. Sometimes I envy him – would rather trade places and not be here. not because of any altruistic ideal but because living with depression is a slayer and I’d rather be well out of it. Sometimes I think he got the better deal and feel angry. Sometimes I wish he was still here and that we had gotten round to doing all the things we’d talked about. I wish he’d lived to see his own daughter born, to meet my youngest daughter, to see our sister married and happy. Sometimes i think he missed out on a whole heap of pain. But tomorrow would have been his birthday, so mainly right now I’m missing finding him the stupidest birthday card available, buying him a present who’s joke would really get him and catching up with news. Come August I’m planning to make it up to where he had his accident and pay my own tribute for the first time in 10 years, just face up to what happened a bit more and maybe lay a few ghosts to rest. But tomorrow he would have been 34, so happy birthday bro – missing you as always.

Filed under: depression, life, mental state, relationships, therapy , brother, loss, memories, pain, relationships, trust

Various ramblings

Mood is no longer suicidal depression but is definitely more detached and less interested in things, vaguely floaty and unreal but that’s an improvement. Especially in dealing with crap at work – less stressy, as long as I don’t get the boot for slacking

Out for drinks last weekend with my significant other – first time in months (shocking I know) – and somehow managed to spill all the stuff that’s been going on in therapy, which made her worry more, which is why i don’t talk abut that stuff. Anyhow, managed to convince her that I’m sorted for the mo – it’s a life skill in itself. So hopefully that’s under control for the time being.

And of course as we’re all probably aware by now the government will be keeping track of us more from midnight last night. But hey, it’s ok – not the content, just where you’re logging on from, which sites you’re visiting, who you’re emailing/texting/phoning. Is it any wonder paranoia reigns supreme in this country? Fortunately, the only people who will be able to access this info are those who need to. Reassuring, as those who need to cover everyone from MI5 to the Post Office, BT to the local councillor. So we can sleep easy, knowing that the post office isn’t going to lose anything, politicians are all scrupulous and the government has guaranteed all info will be securely stored. Phew!

It’s a fine line between hoarding info to help with criminal investigations/national security and invasion of privacy/destruction of civil liberties. But we don’t need to worry about that – we live in a free society where if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear. Allegedly. I wonder if that was Stalin’s line? Not that I’m comparing Mr Brown to Stalin, fortunately we’re a long way from anything that bad in the main. However the digital realm is where many of us now spend quite a bit of out lives, and unfortunately it’s much easier to abuse power here than on the streets. Much easier to hide these breaches of privacy and much easier to affect people’s lives in subtle ways. It’s obvious from news recently – blacklists available to employers of potential employees who have caused trouble previously (ie stood up for themselves against bosses who thought it was ok to trample over their rights as employees), loss of data by various government departments, etc etc. The fact that every IP address you visit is logged, that every IP address you use is too is concerning – not least because this isn’t faceless, numeric data. People are linked to this data, and the number of people freely allowed to access this data means there WILL be instances of info being accessed illegally, sold and passed around for gain. it’s only a matter of time.

 

On another note, you have to read this – it’s the antithesis of my rambling ran

Filed under: depression, life, mental state, relationships, work , Bruce Sterling, depression, government spying, life, paranoia

Floating

Another week gone in a blur; it’s amazing how perception of reality can change with mood. I’m feeling less depressed at the moment but also less connected – like floating along in a dream, which brings problems of it’s own.  I’ve been floating through the last few days in a William Gibson dreamland. Perhaps re-reading Idoru when my moods have been all over wasn’t good. But it’s felt like very much like reality is a thin film across a deep sea of something else.

It’s also having an affect on relationships – not just personal but professional too. Paranoid city. It doesn’t help that every few days another site is blocked on work’s internet, so I’m reduced to finding time for this blog in the odd 10 minutes I have somewhere else with web access. I don’t have time at home at the moment. Also at work there’s been a change in the company structure – our dept is now represented as a spur off the main dept. P45 anyone? Something’s definitely going on, but maybe I’m making more out of it than I need – how do you get perspective on something like that?

So…pretty strange at the moment, although not too bad considering the last few weeks. I’ve shelved the suicidal leanings seemingly for the moment, so maybe everything’s on the up at last.

Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy, work , dep, floating, Idoru, mood, para, William Gibson, work

Back from the depths for the time being…

I didn’t mean to have a break from posting here at all but life took over and here I am sometime after my last post – can’t believe how long really. Things have been mad here the last few weeks. Work has been deteriorating rapidly into a mess of stress and tension which has pretty much just fuelled my downward spiral. Add in a crap diet, alcohol and pills and it all went Pete Tong last week. Still not 100% over the whole things but I feel like my head’s back above water for the time being. The weird things is that it’s like I’ve had 2 parallel lives going at the same time – one confident and fwd looking and one depressive and hopeless. I suppose the only way is up at the moment. So am looking forward a day at a time and getting through the daylight hours as best as I can. At least I’m sleeping through until 4 or 5 in the morning now. And therapy has helped – which shows there’s a 1st time for everything.

It would have been my brother’s 34th birthday next month. For the first time since he died I’m thinking of marking the occasion somehow – get to grips with everything I suppose. onwards and upwards maybe.

Apart from that everything’s peachy! Am thinking maybe to try and get back into a blogging rhythm might not be a bad idea too so will wrap this up and be back soon hopefully.

Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy, work , alcohol, depression, OD, therapy