April 24, 2009 • 2:56 pm 1
Therapy session last night was a relief – to talk to someone was actually a big help, although there’s definitely a few things where we’re not on the same page. Then i guess that’s to be expected. Low again today but just because this mood nose dive happened so quickly doesn’t mean it will disappear as quick. Nevermind. At least I can crash this weekend and forget about everything. Roll on 5pm.
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy , depression, low mood
April 23, 2009 • 5:17 pm 0
…which is why no posts. Also depression is back – just like June last year actually which was the worst I\’d ever felt. Suicide stuff, i can taste it. not just in my mouth but in my arms and legs and head and everything. that sounds weird but it\’s the only way I can describe it. And so tired you wouldn\’t believe (although of course some of you would). I should be at therapy in an hour but have feigned a migraine. think I\’m going to stay at work locked in my office for an hour or two and just be on my own with nirvana and pretend the world has gone away. or something. oh for a way out!
edit: wish I hadn’t cancelled that appt now, just dumb.
edit 2: so i’ve uncancelled it because maybe for once it would be smarter to talk through suicidal depression while i’m here in it rather than a few weeks later which i guess is progress. 25 mins to go and bloody terrified – but i think it’s got to be better than talking my better half about this, or having to finally attend the GPs again about this.
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy, work , depression, mental health, Nirvana
April 6, 2009 • 3:26 pm 3
Mood is no longer suicidal depression but is definitely more detached and less interested in things, vaguely floaty and unreal but that’s an improvement. Especially in dealing with crap at work – less stressy, as long as I don’t get the boot for slacking 
Out for drinks last weekend with my significant other – first time in months (shocking I know) – and somehow managed to spill all the stuff that’s been going on in therapy, which made her worry more, which is why i don’t talk abut that stuff. Anyhow, managed to convince her that I’m sorted for the mo – it’s a life skill in itself. So hopefully that’s under control for the time being.
And of course as we’re all probably aware by now the government will be keeping track of us more from midnight last night. But hey, it’s ok – not the content, just where you’re logging on from, which sites you’re visiting, who you’re emailing/texting/phoning. Is it any wonder paranoia reigns supreme in this country? Fortunately, the only people who will be able to access this info are those who need to. Reassuring, as those who need to cover everyone from MI5 to the Post Office, BT to the local councillor. So we can sleep easy, knowing that the post office isn’t going to lose anything, politicians are all scrupulous and the government has guaranteed all info will be securely stored. Phew!
It’s a fine line between hoarding info to help with criminal investigations/national security and invasion of privacy/destruction of civil liberties. But we don’t need to worry about that – we live in a free society where if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear. Allegedly. I wonder if that was Stalin’s line? Not that I’m comparing Mr Brown to Stalin, fortunately we’re a long way from anything that bad in the main. However the digital realm is where many of us now spend quite a bit of out lives, and unfortunately it’s much easier to abuse power here than on the streets. Much easier to hide these breaches of privacy and much easier to affect people’s lives in subtle ways. It’s obvious from news recently – blacklists available to employers of potential employees who have caused trouble previously (ie stood up for themselves against bosses who thought it was ok to trample over their rights as employees), loss of data by various government departments, etc etc. The fact that every IP address you visit is logged, that every IP address you use is too is concerning – not least because this isn’t faceless, numeric data. People are linked to this data, and the number of people freely allowed to access this data means there WILL be instances of info being accessed illegally, sold and passed around for gain. it’s only a matter of time.
On another note, you have to read this – it’s the antithesis of my rambling ran
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, relationships, work , Bruce Sterling, depression, government spying, life, paranoia
March 27, 2009 • 5:22 pm 5
I didn’t mean to have a break from posting here at all but life took over and here I am sometime after my last post – can’t believe how long really. Things have been mad here the last few weeks. Work has been deteriorating rapidly into a mess of stress and tension which has pretty much just fuelled my downward spiral. Add in a crap diet, alcohol and pills and it all went Pete Tong last week. Still not 100% over the whole things but I feel like my head’s back above water for the time being. The weird things is that it’s like I’ve had 2 parallel lives going at the same time – one confident and fwd looking and one depressive and hopeless. I suppose the only way is up at the moment. So am looking forward a day at a time and getting through the daylight hours as best as I can. At least I’m sleeping through until 4 or 5 in the morning now. And therapy has helped – which shows there’s a 1st time for everything.
It would have been my brother’s 34th birthday next month. For the first time since he died I’m thinking of marking the occasion somehow – get to grips with everything I suppose. onwards and upwards maybe.
Apart from that everything’s peachy! Am thinking maybe to try and get back into a blogging rhythm might not be a bad idea too so will wrap this up and be back soon hopefully.
Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy, work , alcohol, depression, OD, therapy
