November 30, 2009 • 4:34 pm
Difficult few months, things up and down and have had a bit of a block on everything hence no posts. Work is reaching a stressful climax I think, and has been a bad influence on my MH – is being – and I haven’t been able to separate the internal/external factors in everything going Pete Tong. But we have been working through it all in therapy and starting to see the wood from the trees a bit. I need a break and can’t wait now to have a week away over Xmas. If I make it that far without losing the plot that will be an achievement.
I just wish it wasn’t so dark all the time 
Filed under: depression, life, mental state, therapy, work , work, therapy, stress, mental health
Hmm…well having just re-read my last post it’s probably just as well it’s been a while! Needless to say over reaction springs to mind. Things are ok, frantic and busy but that’s best – and found time to change my hair to bright pink – which has made me think about chopping a load of it off and doing something a bit more punk. All these things are good to stave off boredom and keep busy.
Lots of projects on the go at the moment – a few non-paid freelance jobs which I’m doing because they’re interesting and offer a bit more creative freedom. Although I could do with the money as my debts seem to have sky rocketed this year and i can’t work out why. Still, am hoping for a tax rebate to cover some of that.
Had a bit of a crash of energy the other week so am playing catch up on my own website again – although that’s become a bit of a bore in comparison to other things – it’s taking more effort to stick to finishing it, rather than doing more creative projects. Famous lack of stickability!
Also have been a regular at the GP’s the last few weeks – the usual blood tests (thyroid, blood sugar, et etc) which they only did about a year ago anyway and didn’t find anything then either. The phrase ‘Psychosomatic’ has been used a couple of times. Results come in next week so we’ll see where we go then. Therapy has also been a bit of a drag – i know that just because everything feels great that doesn’t mean it’s all gone away etc but it’s one hell of a drag trawling through the whole family history thing when you’re feeling great. Sticking with it at the moment though and see where it goes.
bit of a round up but will post again soon hopefully with a proper post!
Filed under: health, life, mental state, therapy, work , health, life, therapy, work
I didn’t mean to have a break from posting here at all but life took over and here I am sometime after my last post – can’t believe how long really. Things have been mad here the last few weeks. Work has been deteriorating rapidly into a mess of stress and tension which has pretty much just fuelled my downward spiral. Add in a crap diet, alcohol and pills and it all went Pete Tong last week. Still not 100% over the whole things but I feel like my head’s back above water for the time being. The weird things is that it’s like I’ve had 2 parallel lives going at the same time – one confident and fwd looking and one depressive and hopeless. I suppose the only way is up at the moment. So am looking forward a day at a time and getting through the daylight hours as best as I can. At least I’m sleeping through until 4 or 5 in the morning now. And therapy has helped – which shows there’s a 1st time for everything.
It would have been my brother’s 34th birthday next month. For the first time since he died I’m thinking of marking the occasion somehow – get to grips with everything I suppose. onwards and upwards maybe.
Apart from that everything’s peachy! 
Am thinking maybe to try and get back into a blogging rhythm might not be a bad idea too so will wrap this up and be back soon hopefully.
Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy, work , alcohol, depression, OD, therapy
Therapy at the moment has been a bit like playing chess – P, my therapist, has kept pushing along the lines of asking about me and my brother, how I felt about him dying and asking if I was jealous of his death – which I balked at but in the end had to admit there may be a bit of that sometimes. And I have tried to go with that, I think I know that recently that particular event has been looming large, but equally we get so far and I will suddenly realise I’ve gone off on a tangent. sometimes things are too difficult to talk about I suppose. At least we’ve moved away from talking about what it was like growing up!
I’m on a bit of an INXS drive at the moment (to neatly change the subject) – through my teens and twenties my brother and I had at least one copy of each of their albums between us (apart from their first 2 that are difficult to get hold of) – unfortunately most of them were on tape though. So I have been gradually downloading them from iTunes. They’re one of those bands that music journalists love to hate, although that goes for almost any popular and successful band, especially in the UK! I actually think alot of their later albums were their best – ‘Welcome to Wherever You Are’ especially, although ‘X’ was my favourite as a teenager. I’ve also listened to a few of Michael Hutchence’ s tracks from his posthumously released solo album which are quite haunting and typically poetic. There was a point to all this – music is a connection (for me anyway) that doesn’t die. My brother and I shared a love of certain bands and those bands still connect us even after his death. It’s sometimes a painful experience, listening to that music, but I’d rather have the pain and the memories than lose him completely. So it’s a strange situation, sitting in a therapist’s room discussing the loss of my brother with someone who never met him or knew him nd trying to figure out how that fits in with my current mental wellbeing, or otherwise. Probably not surprising that it ain’t easy really!
Filed under: depression, health, life, mental state, relationships, therapy , brother, death, INXS, life, Michael Hutchence, music, therapy
