Have been trying to find the words this week to start again. I dumped the blog a bit ago because it all felt so pointless and the last few weeks has been very hard. No rhyme or reason. The only thing I can think is it’s 10 years this year since my brother was killed – and even that feels pretty tenuous, although he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I think maybe when you’re down you tend to get kicked, maybe that’s all it is. Or maybe it’s just the weather, or not sleeping, or just life.
When things get really difficult it’s difficult not to see only one way out, it becomes a focus, maybe a safety valve – there’s always a way out kind of thing. It’s been discussed again in last week’s therapy session, which consequently means i’ve been toying with skipping this week. Sometimes it’s easy to talk, good to talk, but sometimes not – too hard, or too personal. Mixed up and confused. And it’s hard to talk for an hour a week when for the rest of the week it’s happy happy happy.
So i’ve decided to come back to jamming this all down to try and make sense of it, find an outlet for self expression and maybe some answers. Not exactly an informed post but it’s a start.