Therapy at the moment has been a bit like playing chess – P, my therapist, has kept pushing along the lines of asking about me and my brother, how I felt about him dying and asking if I was jealous of his death – which I balked at but in the end had to admit there may be a bit of that sometimes. And I have tried to go with that, I think I know that recently that particular event has been looming large, but equally we get so far and I will suddenly realise I’ve gone off on a tangent. sometimes things are too difficult to talk about I suppose. At least we’ve moved away from talking about what it was like growing up!
I’m on a bit of an INXS drive at the moment (to neatly change the subject) – through my teens and twenties my brother and I had at least one copy of each of their albums between us (apart from their first 2 that are difficult to get hold of) – unfortunately most of them were on tape though. So I have been gradually downloading them from iTunes. They’re one of those bands that music journalists love to hate, although that goes for almost any popular and successful band, especially in the UK! I actually think alot of their later albums were their best – ‘Welcome to Wherever You Are’ especially, although ‘X’ was my favourite as a teenager. I’ve also listened to a few of Michael Hutchence’ s tracks from his posthumously released solo album which are quite haunting and typically poetic. There was a point to all this – music is a connection (for me anyway) that doesn’t die. My brother and I shared a love of certain bands and those bands still connect us even after his death. It’s sometimes a painful experience, listening to that music, but I’d rather have the pain and the memories than lose him completely. So it’s a strange situation, sitting in a therapist’s room discussing the loss of my brother with someone who never met him or knew him nd trying to figure out how that fits in with my current mental wellbeing, or otherwise. Probably not surprising that it ain’t easy really!