A change in the weather

It’s cold and damp and getting dark earlier and earlier at the moment, but the cold is actually quite nice. Unfortunately waking up at 3am every morning isn’t great, but you can’t win them all.
Something has clicked in the last couple of months with the way therapy is going and my willingness to be open about it with more people. There are still some people I wouldn’t discuss being in therapy with at all – certain work colleagues (you have to make judgement calls on some people) and (unfortunately) my parents – but they’re becoming the exception, rather than the rule.
I think partly this is because I have started to open up a bit more in sessions and trust my therapist more and partly because I’m starting to trust friends and colleagues more since being in therapy. Which suggests things are actually getting better, however slowly. It is still generally a struggle to trust people as the first option – sometimes I find it’s a big conscious effort – but slowly I think that this will get easier. Which is good.
I’m hoping that it will start to have an effect on my self esteem at some point. While I can sometimes believe that for example I am damn good at my job, there is still that underlying belief that I’m lucky to have the job I’ve got. While of course this is true – especially in this economic climate – I’ve stuck with it far too long and really need to move on. Things have been difficult and very stressful at work for some time but I’ve clung onto the job instead of moving on. It became so bad this year that at one point I was convinced my phone had been tapped and that everyone was talking about me behind my back. It got pretty unbearable at one point – I still can’t quite get my head round why I’m still here. Apart from the low self esteem I suppose.
But optimistically I’m thinking next year things will get better – I’m planning on making it a better year, being more positive and making some big changes. Of course i thought that last year about 2009, but it feels like this time it will happen. Fingers crossed!

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2 Comments

Filed under depression, life, mental state, therapy, work

2 responses to “A change in the weather

  1. findingmecrazy

    I hope it does happen for you!
    And I’m glad therapy seems to be going so well. It’s good you’re able to be open about it.

  2. It makes a nice change 😀

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