Peace and quiet and radiohead in the office

It is very peaceful in the office when everyone else has gone home and I can relax, and finish little bits and pieces with radiohead playing and no email or phone calls or annoying people around. It’s warm and calm and not like being at work at all, but still enough like work to feel like I could DO something, not just sit and brood. Busy busy busy.
I was here at 6am this morning…well not actually inside, that would be weird and would also be logged on the swipe card system. I wandered down here because i was awake and thinking too much. Awake from 3am and running little movies in my head of things that haven’t happened but that i believed might happen, could already be happening. So I wandered down to work. Just to have a look and make sure there were no lights on in my office window, which I know sounds weird but I can’t stop feeling that someone is upto something behind my back. Like there’s a conspiracy. It sounds ridiculous, it looks ridiculous typed there in B&W. It is ridiculous but I still can’t stop thinking that that is how it is.
I need to find some other focus, but the whole Xmas thing feels like extra pressure and work and everything else is too much. But only a couple of weeks to go and then no work for a week or so. although in its own way I’m dreading the break – too much time for things to happen that I don’t know about. God what a joke. I’m sure I’m not important enough for anyone to be plotting anything. Ugh, stupid paranoid thoughts.
I think I’d quite like to go to sleep now but as i skipped therapy last week I better haul my ass off there now and confess my state of mind in exchange for an hour of self exploration and assessment. So long…

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Filed under depression, life, mental state, therapy, work

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