Feeling, feeling, um…

Amazing how deciding not to do something makes you do it more, even apparently blogging!
Ups and downs mean it’s never a good time to make decisions I suppose, I was feeling pretty flat and deflated, quite low, when I decided to stop the blog for a bit. The waters are still quite choppy, it feels like there’s a storm coming but that would be better than a flat calm at the moment. Better to feel something than nothing eh? Better to feel emotion than try to inflict emotion on yourself.
Apart from feeling overwhelmed at work to the point of tears (although of course I didn’t give in to tears, oh no that would be emotional) and a bit of a rant the other day (maybe too high volume for some of the things I might have said concerning some of the people I said those things about) I’m coping at the moment. Although watching Donnie Darko in 11 parts on YouTube because I couldn’t concentrate to work may not be seen as coping (or working!) in some circles. It was better than playing with the scalpel the previous day – and less obvious. And all these things help to counteract the feelings of helplessness and lack of control and they all help to keep some sort of connection to myself somehow.
But in case it’s all looking doom ‘n’ gloom I went to see Sherlock Holmes the other day which was a great film, really great. It was a great boost, losing myself in the gloom of an old fashioned cinema watching a fantastic film. We went for lunch and coffee in town too and had a pretty chilled day. Good films are a great escape, a great way of blocking out reality for a time.
Therapy tonight, of which I’m continuing to go to and grapple with. I’ve realised of late that I’m still holding back in these sessions – maybe not surprising, breaking lifetime habits doesn’t happen overnight (or over almost 2 years apparently) but it’s something I need to work on. It is, after all, the only place on earth I should be able to tell it how it is (or how it feels it is I suppose). But every Thursday I involuntarily clam up, forget everything and lose touch with how things have been for the week. Then every Friday I remember all the things I didn’t say. I know I should write things down, but I never remember to do that. I am a frustrating person.
So today has been odd – yesterday, determined to step away from the blog, today 2 posts and a comment or 2 too. Maybe tomorrow I’l disappear in a puff of smoke, or else write something worth reading. maybe tomorrow i will remember what i meant to discuss tonight.



Filed under depression, life, mental state, therapy

4 responses to “Feeling, feeling, um…

  1. Sympathies on the flatness. If could swap a portion of mania for that, perhaps we could both find an liveable even keel.
    I’ve got the Donnie Darko dvd if you want to borrow it (virtually – perhaps I could send it you if my laptop will allow it). It’s got some ‘extra’ bits including art work inspired by the movie.

    Hope things improve
    Kx (previously of agonies and ecstacies bollox – I see it’s on your list 🙂

  2. Hi Kate – I was just reading your post and had to close the window (surfing mental health related blogs at work is probably bad for the employment 😀 ) – sounds like you’re in need of a bit of flatness, shame we can’t swap mood credits or something, like you say!
    Great film isn’t it? Did you ever check out the website – very clever, if you’re in the mood to be messed around with by a website. Thanks for the dvd offer too, I’m waiting on it from amazon at the moment – my credit card is in a bad way, but i can’t stop spending. Ah well, it’s only credit.
    Hope the mood settles down soon – I’ll finish reading your post in a bit – thanks for dropping by, must update your link


  3. Agree about the surfing at work. I’m in a state of perpetual paranoia about mine. Since I work for a MH service which gets emails with links to blogs, I’m terrified that someone will wind their way towards mine and sack me. Fortunately we’re all too busy to read even the priority mails, At least that’s what I’m telling myself!

    🙂 Kate

  4. Heh heh heh, yeah we had a big bro’ style bit of kit installed at work that tracks what people are looking at and over a certain number of hits puts an auto block on those sites, but I’ve been told that it’s out of action at present so I think will be OK for the time being 😀

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