Head Over Heels

Head Over Heels (Tears for Fears) is a great track, but it’s been going round and round in my head since about 6pm yesterday, none stop. It kept on through therapy, all evening, into my dreams and was still going at 5am this morning and still now. I think maybe it’s a subconscious ploy to fill the void. Or something. At least I have good taste in music, even subconsciously 😀
Therapy was weird last night, it felt odd. Even without TFF playing all the way through. We’ve talked before about the split nature of my personality (NOT dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality disorder, or split personality in that sense) – more of a split in my approach. She used the phrase conjoined twins as a description, which I guess isn’t a million miles away. Anyhow, often when things are flat like they have been this last week, it’s very much like a battle between me and myself, with me just wanting to feel something, anything, where as the other bit puts up the padded walls – no feelings, no way to interact or join in even with myself, like wanting to do stuff and not being able to. She says it’s a fear thing, I just hate it. We had one of these chats last night about how to get out of that place, i think that’s where the constant soundtrack comes in really, like at least there’s something to listen to in here. Although I’ve moved on from that place now, which is good. So something good has come from talking.
Other than that there was a face in the carpet staring at me, so half way through I had to get up and rub him out with my boot, I know it was just a carpet pattern but sometimes even things like that are too much to ignore. 😀
Today has been difficult to concentrate, but less flat and less down, still tired but bit more communicative and a bit more gregarious – it’s just changes at work that have come out of the blue that have been bothering me, a room change is on the agenda (hopefully a temp one) while decorating takes place, but I’m being shunted down with a group that I’m not part of and just don’t fit in with. It’s going to be a stressful time, and I’m really not looking forward to it. But, like I say, it’s hopefully just for a week or so and then I will be back up here, although probably with someone else in here with me. Will have to bring my headphones in as we don’t share musical tastes.
I’m going home to work on freelance stuff – I always pick up loads of work when feeling knackered and out of it – ironic. Wish I could say I was head-over-heels about it!



Filed under depression, life, mental state, therapy

2 responses to “Head Over Heels

  1. As I’m sure you can appreciate – this post resonates with me on so many levels at the moment.
    1) Ear-worms – I get that repeptative tune on a loop frequently. As a child of the 70’s and 80’s (I’ve just turned 40), I’m often plagued by the polular music of my formative yers. My best/worst earworms have been – Queen (either Flash of Bohemian Rap), Soft Cell (tainted Love). The cure (love cats), Adam Ant (prince Charming), Pet Shop Boys, ..the list goes on. It’s odd because I was never a ‘pop’ girl. I was a punk/ska/reggae lass. Whyen these things reach intolerable lvels I find the only way to combat it is to drown it out with more prefferable noise.
    The conjoined twin theory is also interesting. In an almost contrary way to your ‘split’ theory, my friend last night suggested that perhaps I had had had a twin (in-utero) that had been absorbed into my body. This, (she bullshiitiingly hypothesised over the 3rd glass), was the cause of my over active brain (thinking for 2) and the inordinate amount of energy I seem to generate (a cause of the metabolic demnads of some sort of inchoate proto-human hair-ball lodged somewhere betweern my pelcis and left hip).
    Sympathies/empathies re. the work re-shuffle.I’m experiencing simular since we’ve been one desk-top short ot staff lately which means someonne has to volunteer to work in a different room or take the laptop into the disabled loo or summat.
    That’s usually me!
    I also understand about the self-defensive barriers and the struggle to connect and engage with others.I’m going through simular to the extent that I find it difficult to talk about.

    Good to hear that you’re processing all this and can see a bit of light at the end etc..

  2. Hi Kate – yes, absolutely. I looked up earworms – how bizarre! You learn something new everyday, thanks fr that! For me it seems to always be connected to something I’ve recently heard – Head Over Heels is used in the Donnie Darko soundtrack, so I suspect that’s where it’s come from. Awoke at 3am to Kate Bush though today – silence would have been niceer!
    The twin thing is an interesting (if probably unscientific) idea. You could write a great short story around it! I always find alcohol helps with all these kinds of htings, at least a bit.
    As for the work shuffle, it’s crap isn’t it. Sounds like you’ve goth the Tshirt! I’m unfortunately moving to an area of the building which could be described as a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Ugh 😦 Oh well, hopefully i won’t be for long!
    Hope your tunes move on soon – thanks for dropping in! 😀

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